TALKING WITH CHILDREN

Talking with children can demand different techniques than talking with adults. There is growing evidence that the involvement of children around the time of death greatly reduces later psychological problems. Children must not be excluded from family discussions. The family myth that “children should be protected from distress” must be gently challenged. (see Family Meetings, Grief, Talking with Families)

Some techniques to encourage children to talk openly include:

1. Chat freely. Be prepared to give a monologue, and tell stories until they pick up on something. Don’t start by asking questions.

2. Make mistakes or silly remarks, and allow them to correct you.

3. Use drawings or dolls. Children express thoughts and feelings through play.

4. Work through, and do not displace, the parents.

5. Avoid asking “How do you feel when ... ?”  Instead ask “What happens when ... ?”

6. Children need even more affirmation than adults. The whole conversation needs to be affirming. (“You seem good at ... “)

7. When explaining avoid concepts. Children find concepts very difficult to understand and they distance the child from the discussion. Children communicate through play. Use analogies. (“It’s a bit like ... )  Be simple and direct. 

8. Children have strong feelings. They can usually only take them in small doses. They feel sad one moment and laugh the next. You have to work with small doses of sadness. If an issue is rejected because it is painful, change the subject but return to the painful issue because it is the important one. Children understand the idea of unwrapping a parcel.

9. Children are self-centered. Their world revolves around them. Fantasies (especially magic thinking) are common. (“I made Mommy sick because I was naughty.”) You may need to spend time carefully explaining the true situation in an age-appropriate way. (see Children)

The author and publisher have taken precautions to ensure that the information in this book is error-free. However, readers must be guided by their own personal and professional standards of good practice in evaluating and applying recommendations made herein. The contents of this book represent the views and experience of the author, and not necessarily those of the publisher.